Pope Tommy I

I am one of those small town kids who believe no office is too big for Tommy Thompson. What he achieved for himself coming out of Elroy – a hiccup on the map in South West Wisconsin – is the stuff movies are made of. No other individual has had a greater impact on Wisconsin’s political and policy landscape; not Bill Proxmire, and his Golden Fleece Awards, not Gaylord Nelson, and Earth Day. Earth Day? Rings of the Festivus for the Rest of Us episode from Seinfeld.

Which is why on the eve of the Catholic Church’s conclave, I submit Tommy Thompson as a candidate for Pope.

Why not? It is true he has never been a cardinal and the marriage thing trips him with the traditionalists. However, if the Church truly intends to focus on Third World poverty, famine, and illiteracy, then Tommy’s tenure as Health and Human Services Secretary should serve as testimony to the 117 voters that will be gathering in the Sistine Chapel.

All we need is 78 votes, far fewer than the 1 million plus Tommy received when he dusted Ed Garvey. Granted, without TV, radio, telemarketing, mail, web sites or email available to campaign among the cardinals, our tools of persuasion are limited.

So I suggest we masquerade our campaign by slipping an icon in the cardinals’ gift bags. On one side, an image of Tommy looking pensive across the African Continent. On the other, his quote after a DOD weapons program was abandoned;

And I think to myself how many wells could I dig with $8 billion? How many clinics could I open? How many hospitals could I build in Afghanistan and Iraq or Palestine or Iran or Sudan with that kind of money? And it’s a much more lasting, permanent effect than sending troops in and trying to quell the terrorists.

With that, Tommy would win endorsements from both Pope John Paul II and St. Peter.